Linux Sex Positions - The Open Source Kama Sutra
Helping you optimally configure your love life
When Tux the penguin was introduced as the Linux mascot, Linus Torvald said he didnt want the OS to be associated with a randy penguin. We think its time to loosen up and let the little guy have some fun.
Tux and his female friend Lux are here to show you how to fsck, open source style. These positions are designed for smoothness and stability. Whether you like twiddling your bits or dangling your dongle, theres something here to add to your sexual skillset.
Position 1 - Patching the Kernel
The female kneels facing the male and applies her mouth to his organ, giving him oral gratification. Should be repeated as often as possible for best results.
Position 2 - Backend Arch
The male lays on his back. The female faces away from him and lowers herself onto his prong, achieving penetration. She arches backwards and pumps her hips up and down.
Position 3 - Downloading the Drivers
The female lies supine and the male grasps her legs, lifting her lower body up and angling it downward. Spreading her legs, he inserts himself into her from behind and thrusts until downloading is complete.
Position 4 - Mounting the Hard Disk
The male lays on his back and the female faces him and mounts his hard member, then rides it till it becomes floppy.
Position 5 - Congress of the GNU
The male approaches the crouching female from the rear. He inserts himself into her, and while they unite, she places one or both hands on the floor for added stability.
Position 6 - Spanning-Tree Protocol Posture
The male stands upright and supports the female as she wraps her legs around him. He holds her under the legs, supporting her weight while their data path remains active.
Position 7 - Embedding the Stack
The female reclines on her back with legs spread. The male kneels between her legs and leans forward, embedding himself in her.
Position 8 - 01000101 = 45 = 69
The classic 69 position, in which both partners give and receive oral gratification simultaneously, creating a nonhierarchical loop. May be performed in hex, binary, or decimal, according to your preference.
Position 9 - Forking the Code
The partners face one another, seated, legs extended. They join at the root, uniting their organs of procreation, then lean their upper bodies away from each other, resting weight on their hands.
Position 10 - Loading the Queue
The male stands behind the female as she bends over and extends one leg backward, resting her weight on one or both hands. He holds her body in alignment while executing his install.
Position 11 - Partitioning the Drive
The female lays on her side with legs parted. The male lifts her upper leg and, spreading them apart, inserts himself. During sex, he should make sure that her legs do not overlap.
Position 12 - Piercing the Firewall
The partners stand facing each other. The female raises one foot and the male grasps and holds her upraised leg while breaching the gates of her yoni.